I'm up at my mom, and I'm attempting to clean out the closet. What is it about cleaning out old notebooks from school? I never can seem to just dump them all without a second glance. The problem is, the longer they sit in the closet, the more interesting they become to me. I go to flip through them just to make sure there isn't any....well, important information i may have missed when I was actually in the class.
Honestly, Brenna?
Why do I insist on deluding myself? OF COURSE I missed important information in class. It's SCHOOL. I don't remember 95% of it because I was bored and unengaged about 95% of the time. And what little I did remember, I only remembered long enough to pass the tests and get the H out of there.
Nonetheless, what should be a 5 minute process of grabbing the notebooks and tossing them over an open fire always turns into me, crouched in the closet, scouring these things like they might contain the god damn dead sea scrolls.
To anybody out there-I would like to ask the audience. Do I keep these old documents, knowing full well that I will never read them again? Or do I dump them without a second thought?
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Mental Fortitude
I wish somebody read this thing. Not that I write for other people, but it is on the internet so there is an air of exhibitionism that undercuts it's integrity as a journal.
Whatever the hell that means.
Jesus. Don't drink coffee when you are having issues. And if you do, try not to talk to people until the caffeine wears off.
I know what I need.
I know what to do to get it.
I'm scared sh*&less to do it.
There are all sorts of aspects that scare me; hurting people, the unknown, failure, going broke, disappointing people, disappointing myself.
The worst part of this is that fairly benign question that we all ask each other, "What are you up to these days?"
Humans. We are all formula. Predictable. Myself included. We all ask this question - as if it makes a difference. We think it gives us an idea of where people are coming from. The answer helps us make assumptions about people.
It's ultimately a flawed assumption - just like every communication we have with each other. But I'm headed down a rabbit hole, thus I will digress back to the point I was originally getting at.
I'm embarrassed to answer this question because the answer could change at any moment.
"What are you doing?"
'Going to New Zealand to pick fruit.'
"I heard you were headed to Austin."
'I was, but I changed my mind.'
"Oh. Well when are you leaving?"
'...I don't know.'
"...I'm worried about you."
I keep answering that question with whatever is in my mind at the time and I can't remember what I said to whom and then people are surprised, annoyed, and confused whenever I do the complete opposite of what I told them. I am also surprised, annoyed, and confused as a reaction to them because I thought I explained myself to them.
I ought to prepare a short statement about how things are going, where I'm going, and where I am right now.
"I don't know" doesn't work. "I don't want to talk about it" isn't getting me anywhere.
Hmmm. Here are some ideas:
"I have some ideas but it's too soon to say."
"In the interest of brevity, you wouldn't want to hear it."
"It's a surprise ending. I wouldn't want to ruin it for you."
"Oh! Look over there! Is that a double rainbow?!" (run away quickly)
"I'm taking life as it comes, striking out on my own, and following through with my life-long dreams."
"I'm keeping you in suspense for a reason."
"All in good time, my pretty..."
"The future is uncertain. Shouldn't you be worried about where YOUR life is going?!"
You know, through all of this, I haven't lost hope. I have a vision and I'm trying to follow it without going crazy. I can't define that vision in words for you exactly, because it would take too long, but I have it. It's a feeling. I don't want to talk about it because I'm done thinking about it. The more I roll it around, the more it's ever-changing and ultimately confusing. It is high time I shut my mouth and take action.
My blog is dismal. I hope no one reads this.
Whatever the hell that means.
Jesus. Don't drink coffee when you are having issues. And if you do, try not to talk to people until the caffeine wears off.
I know what I need.
I know what to do to get it.
I'm scared sh*&less to do it.
There are all sorts of aspects that scare me; hurting people, the unknown, failure, going broke, disappointing people, disappointing myself.
The worst part of this is that fairly benign question that we all ask each other, "What are you up to these days?"
Humans. We are all formula. Predictable. Myself included. We all ask this question - as if it makes a difference. We think it gives us an idea of where people are coming from. The answer helps us make assumptions about people.
It's ultimately a flawed assumption - just like every communication we have with each other. But I'm headed down a rabbit hole, thus I will digress back to the point I was originally getting at.
I'm embarrassed to answer this question because the answer could change at any moment.
"What are you doing?"
'Going to New Zealand to pick fruit.'
"I heard you were headed to Austin."
'I was, but I changed my mind.'
"Oh. Well when are you leaving?"
'...I don't know.'
"...I'm worried about you."
I keep answering that question with whatever is in my mind at the time and I can't remember what I said to whom and then people are surprised, annoyed, and confused whenever I do the complete opposite of what I told them. I am also surprised, annoyed, and confused as a reaction to them because I thought I explained myself to them.
I ought to prepare a short statement about how things are going, where I'm going, and where I am right now.
"I don't know" doesn't work. "I don't want to talk about it" isn't getting me anywhere.
Hmmm. Here are some ideas:
"I have some ideas but it's too soon to say."
"In the interest of brevity, you wouldn't want to hear it."
"It's a surprise ending. I wouldn't want to ruin it for you."
"Oh! Look over there! Is that a double rainbow?!" (run away quickly)
"I'm taking life as it comes, striking out on my own, and following through with my life-long dreams."
"I'm keeping you in suspense for a reason."
"All in good time, my pretty..."
"The future is uncertain. Shouldn't you be worried about where YOUR life is going?!"
You know, through all of this, I haven't lost hope. I have a vision and I'm trying to follow it without going crazy. I can't define that vision in words for you exactly, because it would take too long, but I have it. It's a feeling. I don't want to talk about it because I'm done thinking about it. The more I roll it around, the more it's ever-changing and ultimately confusing. It is high time I shut my mouth and take action.
My blog is dismal. I hope no one reads this.
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