Mental Fortitude

I wish somebody read this thing. Not that I write for other people, but it is on the internet so there is an air of exhibitionism that undercuts it's integrity as a journal.

Whatever the hell that means.


Jesus. Don't drink coffee when you are having issues. And if you do, try not to talk to people until the caffeine wears off.
I know what I need.
I know what to do to get it.
I'm scared sh*&less to do it.

There are all sorts of aspects that scare me; hurting people, the unknown, failure, going broke, disappointing people, disappointing myself.
The worst part of this is that fairly benign question that we all ask each other, "What are you up to these days?"
Humans. We are all formula. Predictable. Myself included. We all ask this question - as if it makes a difference. We think it gives us an idea of where people are coming from. The answer helps us make assumptions about people.
It's ultimately a flawed assumption - just like every communication we have with each other. But I'm headed down a rabbit hole, thus I will digress back to the point I was originally getting at.

I'm embarrassed to answer this question because the answer could change at any moment.
"What are you doing?"
'Going to New Zealand to pick fruit.'
"I heard you were headed to Austin."
'I was, but I changed my mind.'
"Oh. Well when are you leaving?"
'...I don't know.'
"...I'm worried about you."

I keep answering that question with whatever is in my mind at the time and I can't remember what I said to whom and then people are surprised, annoyed, and confused whenever I do the complete opposite of what I told them. I am also surprised, annoyed, and confused as a reaction to them because I thought I explained myself to them.
I ought to prepare a short statement about how things are going, where I'm going, and where I am right now.
"I don't know" doesn't work. "I don't want to talk about it" isn't getting me anywhere.

Hmmm. Here are some ideas:

"I have some ideas but it's too soon to say."

"In the interest of brevity, you wouldn't want to hear it."

"It's a surprise ending. I wouldn't want to ruin it for you."

"Oh! Look over there! Is that a double rainbow?!" (run away quickly)

"I'm taking life as it comes, striking out on my own, and following through with my life-long dreams."

"I'm keeping you in suspense for a reason."

"All in good time, my pretty..."

"The future is uncertain. Shouldn't you be worried about where YOUR life is going?!"

You know, through all of this, I haven't lost hope. I have a vision and I'm trying to follow it without going crazy. I can't define that vision in words for you exactly, because it would take too long, but I have it. It's a feeling. I don't want to talk about it because I'm done thinking about it. The more I roll it around, the more it's ever-changing and ultimately confusing. It is high time I shut my mouth and take action.

My blog is dismal. I hope no one reads this.